How to Share Your TNBC Diagnosis with Loved Ones Gracefully

The following article is for educational purposes only and should not replace consultation with a medical professional. This guide shares insights to help navigate conversations surrounding TNBC, recognizing every patient experience is unique and can be different from others.

A TNBC Diagnosis

Patricia was 38 years old, a mom of two young children, living a busy and active lifestyle when she noticed a lump in her right breast. Initially, she thought it might be a cyst. Encouraged by her husband, she made an appointment to see her doctor. Concerned because her mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer just months earlier, Patricia asked her doctor to send her for a mammogram. Despite her young age, but given her family history, he agreed, requesting both a mammogram and ultrasound.

Being diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) felt like an emotional rollercoaster for Patricia. Since her mother was managing her own recent diagnosis, at first, Patricia decided not to tell her mother. However, Patricia and her husband still had to tell their children, hoping to find a sensitive way of communicating her cancer diagnosis with them. Though it was a difficult time in their lives, Patricia recalls with fondness that when she got her first wig, her son used it to enact scenes from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, bringing laughter to their household.

Patricia’s children were six and nine when she was diagnosed with TNBC. As a parent, she recognizes that children process information differently from adults, but recommends being honest, even if they are young.

“It’s important to share honestly with them, but do not overwhelm them with the details. Give children enough information to help them understand,” says Patricia, who also shared the following tips for speaking to children about cancer:

Before telling children about a diagnosis, it’s important to emotionally process the information
Share enough information to help them understand that they may see you feeling unwell, go to frequent doctor appointments, navigate side effects from medications and recover from surgeries or treatments
It’s not necessary to put a name to the illness, but it’s important for your children to understand that you are sick
Make sure they know that they can ask questions and share their feelings, and that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry or confused

Patricia remembers preparing her children for the days when she might not feel strong enough to participate in their regular activities. She let them know that their father, extended family, and family friends, would help out on certain days.

For teenagers, Patricia recommends a similar approach: “Whatever the age group, and especially if they’re teenagers, it’s important to be honest, because children remember. If you lie about it, there’s going to be a time when they look back. If you’ve been honest, it will garner trust with them.”

Ask teenagers what they know about breast cancer – they may have heard about cancer through friends or the media and may have some ideas about what it means
This is an opportunity for you to debunk myths (e.g. not a disease that only affects older people, not everyone loses their hair)
Use the information they already know to introduce the topic, and then tell them about your breast cancer diagnosis
Navigate the subject gently

Sharing hope is also essential, telling them there are treatments, giving them facts, and then backing it up with hope because your family is navigating this together.

Regardless of age, it can be expected that children and teenagers will have different reactions to the news – some might be quiet, others angry, and some burst into tears. Preparing for an emotional reaction is key to navigating conversations with the youngest members of the family.

Before Patricia and her husband married, they talked about the “what ifs” in life so she already knew what his reaction would be, and that she could count on his support. When she received the call from the doctor, Patricia told her husband it wasn’t good news, and he said: “I’m with you all the way.”

When it comes to sharing the news with a romantic partner, Patricia says, “give it to them straight: this is what the doctor said, and these are the next steps,” and more specifically:

Being honest and upfront without painting a rosier picture than reality
Sharing what has been communicated by the doctor
Trying not to do it over the phone, even if your relationship is long distance, using a video call

Patricia notes that some partners may have a lot of questions, and you may not have all the answers. She recommends sharing what you do know and then listening – listening to their response and writing down any questions that don’t have answers. It’s important to be prepared for a variety of responses from a romantic partner, as some people don’t manage stressful situations well, and need time to process information.

Patricia notes that telling friends and extended family is a personal choice based on the closeness of the relationship. Some people might feel emotional, while others might try to provide practical advice. Though it’s entirely your decision how and when to share a diagnosis, Patricia points out that it’s better for friends to hear from you, rather than from someone else: “When you’re sharing the news with friends, you’re sharing it with them for the purpose of getting their support. Tell them what you need and solve the puzzle for them. Most people don’t know how to respond, so I would help them out and say I’m going to need your support.”

Patricia recommends being clear:

Let them know you have news to share and say you need their support
Be honest and open about what you need from them
Be specific – they may not know what you want or need from them
Share some of the things you may need in the future, like a ride
Don’t share a long list of things you need right at the start

It’s essential to keep in mind that not all feedback from friends and family will be helpful. Some experiences may be positive, while others may be overwhelming. Patricia’s extended family was supportive, asking her what she needed and committing to not telling her mother until she was ready. On the other hand, she had experiences where friends would share negative stories of cancer and illness with her when she wasn’t ready to receive that kind of information: “There’s a stress that comes from listening to too many negative stories because you may not be at a place emotionally where you can handle that.”

Patricia notes that it’s okay to avoid certain conversations and people to protect your mental wellbeing. In cases where a conversation takes an unwelcome turn, making an excuse to leave or change the subject are great strategies to avoid hearing things that cause stress.

When it came to navigating her diagnosis with her employer, Patricia felt she had a positive experience. Although her workplace had no experience handling a situation like hers, they were supportive. She notes that open communication and preparedness are key to talking about cancer in the workplace: “Have the communication up front, know the policies for short- and long-term medical leave, because you don’t know how your body’s going to respond to treatment.”

Here are some actions to consider:

Reviewing workplace policies or HR handbooks
Making an appointment to speak with HR/your employer after taking some time to process your diagnosis
Knowing your short-term and long-term disability options
Sharing your diagnosis and letting your manager know you’ll need to make some changes to your workload and your attendance may be impacted
Finding out the options for using sick days, vacations days, and booking time off
Working with them to come up with a plan

Patricia suggests having these conversations before starting treatment because it’s hard to know how you’re going to feel. Patricia was able to have chemo on Friday and return to work on Monday, but that might not be the case for everyone. It’s important to ask questions, know your rights, and work with your team.

One thing Patricia believes in and shares with other women with cancer is to move forward with faith and hope for a positive outcome. Having a positive outlook can change the way you navigate your journey with TNBC, yet she also mentions the importance of being honest about fear. Every person is unique, and their experience with TNBC will be different, but one of the biggest takeaways for Patricia is to be honest and upfront about a cancer diagnosis with family, friends, and in the workplace.

This article was created in partnership with Patricia Russell, a TNBC survivor, minister, singer, coach, and author. Patricia is an ambassador for the Olive Branch of Hope and uses her experience as a breast cancer survivor to help others navigate their cancer journey. We encourage you to speak to a social worker or mental health specialist to help you navigate difficult conversations.